Mega Piranha (2010)
Ahhhh, there’s some small part of me that kind of likes the anticipation of yet another dodgy movie from The Asylum. You know what you’re getting (a rip-off of a big blockbuster flick or a CGI-laden hoot) and you get it. If it also ends up entertaining then that’s a real bonus. The biggest crime that a movie from these guys can commit is being boring. Well, Mega Piranha is certainly not boring.
It’s plot could be written on the back of a matchbook – some giant killer fish, created by science wouldn’t you know, cause havoc and kill lots of people as they head from a Venenzuelan river towards American soil/beachfronts. I think you can guess what species of fish are involved. Oh, and the fish will just keep growing at an exponential rate if nobody can stop them. There’s also some subplot about a crazed Colonel but that feels like little more than padding even if it pads out about half the runtime.
Tiffany (yes, as in “I Think We’re Alone Now” Tiffany) plays a scientist while the action is handled by Paul Logan, a man so rough and tough that he may well have been adopted by Chuck Norris when he was a child. Other uninteresting characters are played by a selection of uninteresting, and pretty untalented, actors. The piranha are usually played by bad computer effects but things get spiced up slightly with the use of some bad dummy fish.
I will be giving this movie a rating of 5 out of 10 and I already know that people will hate me for that, they will wonder how it’s even morally possible to give a movie such as this such a rating and may even accuse me of being symptomatic of all that’s wrong with movie audiences nowadays but that’s just overreaction from those who can’t sit back and get some fun from this nonsense.
It’s not about great acting here, any believability or even standard measures of movie quality (some of the stock recycling gets a little embarrassing at times). What this is about is seeing a school of giant piranha attack lots of fleeing innocents, it’s about seeing buildings demolished by giant fish landing on them, it’s about the soon-to-be-classic moment (surely) when an action man under attack kicks about half a dozen piranha in the face and back into the water they came from.
From start to finish, this feels like writer-director Eric Forsberg burst into some meeting room to describe a fevered dream he’d had as a child and somehow got given money to put it on film. The fact that he just throws everything on screen and almost, but not quite, makes up for what’s lacking in the script, effects, performances, plausibility with his sheer enthusiasm and disregard for the rules of good, “normal” moviemaking just gave me an extra reason to smile. When I wasn’t watching a giant piranha being kicked in the face.
DIRECTOR: ERIC FORSBERG
STARRING: PAUL LOGAN, TIFFANY, BARRY WILLIAMS, DAVID LABIOSA
RUNTIME: 92 MINS APPROX