The Cloth (2013)

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You should watch this movie. No, wait – I changed my mind. You should really not watch this movie. It’s up to you, but if you watch it, you will regret it. If you manage to sit through it without fast-forwarding, I will seriously suspect you of being in dire need of an exorcism, because you will have been filled and choked to capacity with the direst hellspawn known to man and critic alike: the torture of incompetence.

The plot might have worked in some halfway bearable B-movie: an outfit of priests travel around performing exorcisms because all hell is threatening to break loose on Earth. A young hero puts on a costume with a big cross on the chest, and hooks up with an even younger girl who is the key to saving the world.

But pure badness ruins it in the bud. Awful sound, terrible lighting, a virtually complete absence of acting, and in every way just plain painful to watch because it’s just so execrably made. And I’m not saying this because I am in a bad mood (I’m not, honest), nor because I’m dead-tired of really bad movies (although this is in fact the case), but because this really is the most amateurish attempt at movie-making I have seen since… well, I can hardly remember having seen anything worse. Robotropolis was more interesting.

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This is just as bad as an Asylum production, wasting everyone’s time, and cheating people into thinking it might possibly be an entertaining movie because name actors like Eric Roberts and Danny Trejo have tiny roles in it. It’s pretty mind-boggling that they would have anything to do with this utter dud.

Y’know, I hate to be negative. I hate to beat on some young and inexperienced film-makers who may just be starting out and need all the encouragement they can get. But as a critic, I really have to judge most movies by professional standards, unless I have very pressing reasons, personal or otherwise, not to. And there’s nothing in this movie that can compensate for its lack of technical production skill, lack of artistic substance, lack of acceptable acting, etc. It is just very, very poorly made, and it ought to be a crime to subject this kind of inferior material to the attention of a worldwide audience by distributing it as far and wide as seems to be the case – and even charging people money for it. It’s just not right. But I guess this is what happens in times like today, when anybody can make anything, and have it distributed no matter how bad it is. That’s just sad.

I emphatically cannot recommend this movie. I know of no living soul who would not consider it an excruciating waste of time.

Director: Justin Price
Cast: Kyler Willett, Justin Price, Steven Brand, Lassiter Holmes, Danny Trejo, Eric Roberts
Runtime: 85 min.
Country: USA

Film Rating: ½☆☆☆☆

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