Vampires Suck (2010)

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It is easy to get in a state about someone you see as nothing more than a hack director. Many moviegoers have said, probably on more than one occasion, that Michael Bay is the antichrist. Uwe Boll has an army of detractors. And the less said about Ulli Lommel’s filmography the better. Seriously. But we all know these statements to be hyperbole, insults thrown out with wild abandon after one particularly bad movie experience. I tend to disagree with most of these sweeping statements (hey, sue me for enjoying Michael Bay’s polished popcorn fodder and Uwe Boll’s highly flawed attempts) but there is one major target of hatred that I can completely agree with. The “comedy-creating” duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer aka the worst thing to happen to the modern comedy movie since the Wayans brothers and, quite possibly, the worst thing to happen to modern cinema in a hell of a long time.

These two men are responsible for many of the worst, and unfunniest, movies that you’ll ever see. Date Movie, Epic Movie , Disaster Movie (the nadir, from the few that I’ve seen) and Meet The Spartans (actually, I am in the minority for quite enjoying that one but let’s move merrily along). They also helped to write Scary Movie. They’re evil and must be stopped.

But Vampires Suck does have some laughs. Why? Because it sticks to spoofing the Twilight movies, a film franchise so easy to make fun of that it would take a hell of a lot of effort to completely cock up a parody. There are a few other, random, pop culture references thrown in here and there but, thankfully, the movie stays focused on the Twilight saga and that helps this stay a level above Date Movie and Epic Movie.

Jenn Proske is Becca Crane and manages to nail every annoying tic from the Kristen Stewart School Of Twilight Acting. Matt Lanter is Edward Sullen and does okay, with the jokes based around the fact that he’s a glittery vampire. Chris Riggi is Jacob White and takes his shirt off often enough to effectively pull enough fans over to “Team Jacob”. Diedrich Bader is amusing enough in places, as are Ike Barinholtz, Anneliese Van Der Pol, Dave Foley and Ken Jeong, to name but a few of the many supporting players.

But just when you think it might prove to be deserving of an above-average score you get a Gossip Girl gag here and a Lady Gaga reference there and the whole thing clearly reminds viewers once more that this comes from the “talent” of Friedberg and Seltzer.

DIRECTOR: JASON FRIEDBERG, AARON SELTZER
STARS: JENN PROSKE, MATT LANTER, CHRIS RIGGI, DIEDRICH BADER, IKE BARINHOLTZ, DAVE FOLEY, KEN JEONG
RUNTIME: 82 MINS APPROX
COUNTRY: USA

Film Rating: ★★☆☆☆

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