Don’t you just love it when Channel 5 provide us with some quality Saturday night entertainment? You may not agree they’re all Blockbusters, but think again when you next snarl at the TV Guide… All too often, their idea of ‘entertainment’ is all for the wrong reasons.
10. Dante’s Peak
The unlikely pairing of a woman whose been traumatised by cybernetic organisms (aka, Terminators) all her life, along with a Secret Agent who struggles to walk without the help of a techno-fangled watch is interesting, to say the least. Can ‘Harry Dalton’ (Brosnan) save the No. 2 ‘Best Place To Live’ from a volcanic catastrophe? Don’t count on Mayor Rachel Wando (Hamilton) – the celebrations of this fine little village are more important than the fact it sits in the shadow of a laughably huge volcano thats about to erupt. Maybe they should be celebrating No. 2 ‘Best Place To Live for Suicide’ instead?
9. House of Wax
If you pluck up the courage to watch this film, make sure it’s so that you see Paris Hilton being shut-up. Not in the traditional sense of course – she actually gets a metal pipe thrown clean through her head, which makes the death ultimately more enjoyable. The rest of the film itself though is a lame excuse for young, ‘impressionable’ people to get their kit off and survive the ordeal of trying to find help in a creepy house. How original.
8. Top Gun
Before he discovered (or made-up) Scientology, Tom Cruise was a descent young man whom, apart from acting like a crazed baboon in films such as Cocktail, enjoyed nothing more than pulling off cheesy jokes and being looked down at by women.
Oh damn, I’ve just gave away most of Top Gun’s story!
With some of the best-worst one liners in cinematic history and convincing love scenes to match, Top Gun is an ideal flight for boring Summer nights. It’s also a rare occasion to see Val Kilmer singing, laughing, happy and upset all in the same film.
7. The Postman
If you enjoy post-apocolyptic accounts of the last ‘messenger’ on Earth… The Postman might be for you. Yet I can’t help but think how such an odd idea could only come from the head of Kevin Costner – someone whose not afraid of spending a buck or too, as seen in Waterworld. The problem with this film is that, well, its just Waterworld on Land… Costner decided he was the last ‘postman’ alive, and has to travel on horse-back to deliver messages and such. Strange film. Strange man.
Then I couldn’t argue that Robin Hood & The Prince of Thieves is top notch.
6. Terminator 3
I never thought I’d see the day when a T-101 would say;
“Talk… to… the hand.”
Time to call it a day, Arnold.
Terminator 3 features one of the dumbest excuses for a sequel ever, given that although John and Sarah Connor had risked life and death for over 2-hours in the previous film, attempting trying to save the future (as well as destroying all the CPU’s), up comes Arnie to spoil the fun.
“Judgement Day… Was… Inevitable.”
Oh, well that’s just great! What the hell was the point of the second film then? His script probably doesn’t fill a single page, while the continuation of unbearable one-liners is just laughable at the very least. I think what Arnie meant to say was;
“I need… More… Money.”
5. Armageddon
This is not a film you’re going to watch unless there is a descent excuse. Normally, I find that excuse is dating the ladies (seeing as they take this ‘mission’ all very seriously), in which there is an instant ‘cuddle’ response in the face of total annihilation to man-kind. And as usual, only Americans can save the world because everyone else is living in the Stone-Age, and obviously not hip enough to sport a Space Suit. Watch with Caution – particular Bruce’s Line Of The Film;
“I’ve got 5 words for you… Damn glad to see ya’ boy!”
*Slaps head*… Where did I go wrong in life? Lucky I found some words of comfort after 2 and a half hours:
4. Under Siege
Steven Segal proves once again why he’s not to be messed with. His bullet-proof skin allows him to accept open-fire while cracking stupid jokes as he reloads his gun. Oh – and it’s convenient enough that when a mad Tommy-Lee Jones (and Gary Busey) decide to take over a Military vessel, there is a revelation that Segal is not just a cook… He is an ex-S.E.A.L… cook! A good excuse for Segal to save the day after a series of confusing scenes that allow him to make something from nothing.
I’ve heard he can ground Coffee purely with his rage.
3. The Gingerdead Man
Stars Gary Busey (again).
Evil Gingerbread Man comes to life.
Gary Busey is the Gingerbread Man.
Need not say more.
2. Granny
You want to know how bad this film is? Even Google doesn’t have any images stored in that vast brain (or Hard Drive?) of it. It flows, or tries to flow, like a poor amateur horror film that only lasts just over an hour.
Thats probably because, well, it is.
But at just £3.59 from Amazon.co.uk, their really is no reason to buy. The completely abysmal acting just has to be laughed at, while the plot is just as disfigured as most of ‘Grannys’ victims. I highly doubt even the ‘…For Dummies’ authors would use this as an example of Filming-By-Numbers. If you wanted to film by numbers…
1. Troll 2
This is it – the one you’ve all been waiting for! How can anyone not like Troll 2? It is surely a triumph of, forgive my French, Le Cheap Ass film making – the art of making something so bad it’s genuinely brilliant. Dissect the plot in any way you like, there is no logic to anything! But scowl all you like, Troll 2 at least has the comfort of 1980’s fashion – zippy Synthesisers making nonsense in the background, awesomely-horrible special effects and acting skills that make Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a classically trained Thespian.
There is just one famous line, however, that sums up not just this film, but the sense of all that have been listed here…
“They’re eating her… And then they’re going to eat me. OH MY GODDDDDDDD”
